On Audiences (From Old Blog with updates)

Foodstuffs and Wrapping

One of the greatest mysteries of the modern world (and there are many, I know) is why they sell anything in plastic wrapping at cinemas. M&Ms, Cadbury's Eclairs, plastic bags of popcorn (seriously. BAGS of popcorn. I pointed it out to my friend one time, over a year ago and I am still thinking about this. WHY? It's not like it's cheaper)... the list is endless. OK, so, it's not actually endless, I just can't think of any more off the top of my stupid head. But the mystery remains. I know that you can buy quieter snacks.
I know that, you know that and yet people do not. Why not? Because people are bastards. Loud, noisy, inconsiderate bastards.

Eat a hot dog.

Talking of hot dogs, why are they cinema food? And why aren't they theatre food? (I appreciate that this might be confusing for Americans where the cinema is a movie theater) Why not hamburgers? Or french fries?

Why isn't popcorn theatre food? Why is popcorn cinema food?

Why is food an option here at all?

If you can't go for 2 hours without eating popcorn, M&Ms and pick 'n' mix (and don't misunderstand me, I fucking love pick 'n' mix) then maybe you shouldn't be going to the cinema to watch movies.

Maybe you should get a subscription to Netflix, Sky Movies and a massive TV and stay at home. Not that I am trying to kill the cinema industry here it's just that other people are the worst.

Audiences are the worst and they have bad taste. Sorry for pointing this out. Again.

Speaking of audiences, did you know (and if you've ever spoken to me about TV comedy I will have told you this) that 'Mrs. Brown's Boys' was the most popular show over Christmas 2015 (and it's still really annoying me)? [update for 2020: this still really annoys me] Did you know that? I did. I wish I didn't but there it is. And I am not being all elitist here it's just that it is such a terrible show. Like, really, terrible and awful. And if you don't agree could you please just try watching something else? Anything else. I hear Peppa Pig is pretty good. (What I am suggesting there is that you are childish and therefore only a children's programme would be adequate for your intellect. BURN.) I hate to be mean and I really don't wish to offend. I'm nice and I think people should be allowed to like what they like. But COME ON.

You want good Irish comedy? Then watch repeats of 'Father Ted' [we (the internet) are apparently "cancelling" Graham Linehan but Father Ted is still so good so fuck it and watch it]
[or Derry Girls, or anything with Tommy Tiernan really].
You heathens.

And don't get me started on 'Gogglebox'. Seriously. Don't. Friendships have been irreparably ruined because of my stance on this fucking cheap programme. You know who you are.

I wonder what the American equivalent to 'Gogglebox' is?

Audience Etiquette

• Shut the fuck up
• Please turn all mobile devices off or on silent (no 'vibration mode' is not silent)
• Quiet in the back, please
• Don't google what that actor was in NOW. Wait until you have left the auditorium.
• Don't clap at the end of the movie. This is not the theatre. The actors aren't here. I know, it seems like they are. It's really rather magical, isn't it? But don't applaud. No one cares. 
• Shhhh. Think of this as a library where you can laugh aloud at the appropriate moments. 
• If you are at the theatre could you please refrain from attending if you currently have tuberculosis (the only reason I can find for the coughing fit I had to listen to the last time I went to the theatre. And it was a really quiet, tense moment.)? 
• Shut. Up. 

On Looking for a Job (Updated for 2020. Original lost in a fire or something)

Surprisingly, I am gainfully employed and have been for a number of years (that number is  6 9 concurrently but rises to approximately 15 18 in total. Wow, that's depressing) and I haven't bothered to look for a new job in the last 5 years because I am lazy and tend to stick with the status quo. And then I don't.
Every few years or so I shake my life like a snow-globe of frustration and this year the "career" category won. So here we are, applying for jobs and writing applications and updating my CV and what a fine CV it is. Not really. Although I did convert mine to .pdf to show how savvy my computer skills are. I also have words and phrases like "professional administrator" (as though one could be an amateur administrator) and "empathetic listening skills" like I am a mature human being with skills and shit. I mean, really? You've met me. Or maybe you haven't. Trust me. I might sound like I'm being all humble and hilarious. This is genuinely just the way I think things are. Anyway, I've decided to write about this episode of my life as I have a job interview this week so...

Can somebody please explain the point of having to complete an application form only to be asked to also upload a CV that contains the exact same information as previously provided on said application form? OK, so I changed up the words etc. but the information is fundamentally still the same. It still has my work experience on it and other words like 'professional' and 'capable' and 'uses own initiative' and 'team-player'.  other words. I don't have 'team player' on my CV... I used fancier words. I ain't stupid.

How does one gain experience if one does not have the experience?
This has confused people of all ages and has been discussed extensively and I have nothing new to say on the matter but, seriously??? Come. ON. (this was the reason I didn't get the last job I interviewed for.)

Feedback is super important and you should always ask for it if you were not successful but, that last interview's feedback was:
You were great at interview, you're very personable and we liked you a lot. You were the most exceptional at presenting yourself and you are very friendly and charming. But your Excel skills are not the best and you have no data analysis experience. -note: I really liked the person giving the feedback and she was very optimistic about my chances at an upcoming job so I am not complaining here and I agree with her but my point is still valid.
How am I supposed to get this data analysis experience exactly? HUH?
I don't want to analyse data but still.

One of the first hurdles I encountered in my (neverending?) job search was that I don't really know what job I want to do. My current role doesn't really exist in the same way in other places and I want a pay-rise so I can't just do what I do now somewhere else and get paid more... so my advice is to figure out what to apply for.

Update: I did not get the job. So maybe don't listen to me at all.

On The Future

The future is an unknown. "It's bright. It's Orange" (as the old mobile phone company ad used to be), it's exciting, it's scary, it's hopeful... it's too much and not enough.
Without 'Tomorrow's World' [Tomorrow's World - the home of the future]here to guide us and only 'Black Mirror' showing us the way, technology is increasingly a crazy, scary world. Just look at Twitter or Tinder or Cambridge Analytica.
As usual, I digress (and use too many parentheses) as I am writing to let you know about some plans I have coming up.
Plan 1: win the lottery - this is an ongoing scheme but one which may never be fulfilled as I don't play the lottery.
Plan 2: as usual I am looking for a new job. All past job searches have been scuppered because

• I am really bad at Excel
• I am "too honest" in interviews
• I don't have the right experience (this one has always really killed me. It's such a lame catch-22 that I won't even go into it here and now. Future post?)
• I don't actually want to have to work for a living

Plan 3: James and I are going to start a podcast. The USP of which is essentially this blog and so I have resurrected it and we'll be rich and famous (or just a tiny bit internet famous but not for getting "cancelled" or tweeting horrendous things) and then that'll show 'em (who?). 

Plan 4: I have ordered loads of fabric samples coz I want to do a thing. Maybe I'll show you said thing when I have made it. I get fancy notions and then nothing comes of them as I have the attention span of a goldfish which has ADD and no Adderall. 

So, the most important plan here is that James and I will be going on and on about some things so please listen out for that. 

END