On Nostalgia

The 90s were great, weren't they?
[disclaimer: I'm a bit drunk and Boris Johnson PM has just announced further restrictions on our freedoms... I dunno, man, I'm too drunk to have an actual coherent thought about this. I should've eaten that jacket potato in the oven. I'm a fool]
 My friend Sarah and I often talk about the 90s. We discuss it in a way that knows that the 90s were fucking awesome. And they were. Except, personally, I didn't know Sarah - that sucks. I was a bit mental for the first half - that sucks. I was a bit lost - that sucks. BUT, Radiohead... they were awesome in the 90s. And Blur, Oasis, all the "alternative" music scene what I got into... good shit, guys.
Anyway, my point was nostalgia. Nostalgia is what you make it. I could focus on some dark bullshit when talking about the past OR I could be like, yeah, guys, the past was like so awesome. Remember this?
Anyway, I'm in this weird bubble where I remember some shit that my generation doesn't and remember things from the generation above me, or beneath me... and that's one of the things that makes me oh so special... 😂

On Social Distancing (on my birthday)

So, we're in lockdown. All the pubs are closed but there is still booze in the supermarkets and I'm grateful that this has happened at a time when we have the internet and I have a new laptop. My worry is that I'm going to get so used to this way of socialising that I'll just do it via Zoom or video conferencing more often.
Doubt it.
So, how are we all doing? Some morons are still going out and being morons and I'm allowing the conspiracy part of my brain to go a bit crazy and think that there is some sinister reason for all of this. But then I watch some comedy and calm down. Imagine how much of a field day the people who think the earth is flat are having? You know who I mean. I also wonder if those doomsday preppers are hanging out in their bunkers yet? What's the point of prepping if you don't use it?

Although we're living in a golden age of streaming television I would like to tell you something. There is a LOT of shit to be watched. The amount of sub-par mediocre, laugh-track sit-coms is actually appalling. Who can I complain to about this? Have you seen that new Matt Le Blanc shit? It has THREE seasons. Three! How? And then some shows get cancelled far too early and the world is crazy. <Gestures vaguely at everything> See?

Today is my birthday. I'm going to go for a walk, like a wild woman. PARTY! I'm also going to video call with a friend. And drink a bottle of wine. I swear I've spoken on the phone more in the past 3 days than in the past 3 months. It's also UK Mother's Day today (so my birthday was already stolen). Luckily, deliveries are still happening. So, I'm still in the good books.

Anyway, don't be a dick. Stay indoors and don't buy too much toilet paper.

on Cancelling 2020

I don't know if  you've heard or not but basically 2020 is the end of the world (as we know it) because there is a flu-like virus and we're all going to die. I'm sorry that I had to be blunt and break it to you like that but the world leaders aren't being as blunt as me. So, you know, someone needs to be honest. I volunteer as tribute. You know why? I live alone and after 2 days I am bored as fuck. I've spoken on the telephone three times and had 2 video calls. I also left the flat twice but only to go out as far as Tesco Metro and McDonalds, i.e. not far at all. Shit is mental, y'all.

      When I was 11 years old I didn't go to school for about 9 months and I went a teeny bit crazy. Look, it was 1993/4 and it was a weird time for everyone, wasn't it? I don't really know why I didn't go to school or why I stayed indoors but I feel like this period of my life goes a very long way in explaining why I am peculiar in the vein that I am. Like, I'm not WEIRD weird but I'm a bit off-kilter. Anyway, all this is to say that I think that all of us "off-kilter" weirdos will be fine in the coming months. We will cope well with the weirdness and be grateful that it's the future. It's 2020, we have the internet, WiFi, mobile phones!!! and Facebook... et cetera. Let's be glad we have all that. We could be so much more worse off. And my point is: I survived that isolation and you will survive this isolation too. 

     The world will be different, is different already, in a few months time. People will show their true colours and some peoples' true colours will be horrible colours indeed but there will be good people. Bright people. People whose colours are beautiful. Always look for the helpers. And they will be there. Amidst the wankers fighting over the toilet paper and profiteering over tinned soup when someone is starving there will be people offering a hand and giving what they have. Be one of those. As much as you can. 

     Be nice.

On Audiences (From Old Blog with updates)

Foodstuffs and Wrapping

One of the greatest mysteries of the modern world (and there are many, I know) is why they sell anything in plastic wrapping at cinemas. M&Ms, Cadbury's Eclairs, plastic bags of popcorn (seriously. BAGS of popcorn. I pointed it out to my friend one time, over a year ago and I am still thinking about this. WHY? It's not like it's cheaper)... the list is endless. OK, so, it's not actually endless, I just can't think of any more off the top of my stupid head. But the mystery remains. I know that you can buy quieter snacks.
I know that, you know that and yet people do not. Why not? Because people are bastards. Loud, noisy, inconsiderate bastards.

Eat a hot dog.

Talking of hot dogs, why are they cinema food? And why aren't they theatre food? (I appreciate that this might be confusing for Americans where the cinema is a movie theater) Why not hamburgers? Or french fries?

Why isn't popcorn theatre food? Why is popcorn cinema food?

Why is food an option here at all?

If you can't go for 2 hours without eating popcorn, M&Ms and pick 'n' mix (and don't misunderstand me, I fucking love pick 'n' mix) then maybe you shouldn't be going to the cinema to watch movies.

Maybe you should get a subscription to Netflix, Sky Movies and a massive TV and stay at home. Not that I am trying to kill the cinema industry here it's just that other people are the worst.

Audiences are the worst and they have bad taste. Sorry for pointing this out. Again.

Speaking of audiences, did you know (and if you've ever spoken to me about TV comedy I will have told you this) that 'Mrs. Brown's Boys' was the most popular show over Christmas 2015 (and it's still really annoying me)? [update for 2020: this still really annoys me] Did you know that? I did. I wish I didn't but there it is. And I am not being all elitist here it's just that it is such a terrible show. Like, really, terrible and awful. And if you don't agree could you please just try watching something else? Anything else. I hear Peppa Pig is pretty good. (What I am suggesting there is that you are childish and therefore only a children's programme would be adequate for your intellect. BURN.) I hate to be mean and I really don't wish to offend. I'm nice and I think people should be allowed to like what they like. But COME ON.

You want good Irish comedy? Then watch repeats of 'Father Ted' [we (the internet) are apparently "cancelling" Graham Linehan but Father Ted is still so good so fuck it and watch it]
[or Derry Girls, or anything with Tommy Tiernan really].
You heathens.

And don't get me started on 'Gogglebox'. Seriously. Don't. Friendships have been irreparably ruined because of my stance on this fucking cheap programme. You know who you are.

I wonder what the American equivalent to 'Gogglebox' is?

Audience Etiquette

• Shut the fuck up
• Please turn all mobile devices off or on silent (no 'vibration mode' is not silent)
• Quiet in the back, please
• Don't google what that actor was in NOW. Wait until you have left the auditorium.
• Don't clap at the end of the movie. This is not the theatre. The actors aren't here. I know, it seems like they are. It's really rather magical, isn't it? But don't applaud. No one cares. 
• Shhhh. Think of this as a library where you can laugh aloud at the appropriate moments. 
• If you are at the theatre could you please refrain from attending if you currently have tuberculosis (the only reason I can find for the coughing fit I had to listen to the last time I went to the theatre. And it was a really quiet, tense moment.)? 
• Shut. Up. 

On Looking for a Job (Updated for 2020. Original lost in a fire or something)

Surprisingly, I am gainfully employed and have been for a number of years (that number is  6 9 concurrently but rises to approximately 15 18 in total. Wow, that's depressing) and I haven't bothered to look for a new job in the last 5 years because I am lazy and tend to stick with the status quo. And then I don't.
Every few years or so I shake my life like a snow-globe of frustration and this year the "career" category won. So here we are, applying for jobs and writing applications and updating my CV and what a fine CV it is. Not really. Although I did convert mine to .pdf to show how savvy my computer skills are. I also have words and phrases like "professional administrator" (as though one could be an amateur administrator) and "empathetic listening skills" like I am a mature human being with skills and shit. I mean, really? You've met me. Or maybe you haven't. Trust me. I might sound like I'm being all humble and hilarious. This is genuinely just the way I think things are. Anyway, I've decided to write about this episode of my life as I have a job interview this week so...

Can somebody please explain the point of having to complete an application form only to be asked to also upload a CV that contains the exact same information as previously provided on said application form? OK, so I changed up the words etc. but the information is fundamentally still the same. It still has my work experience on it and other words like 'professional' and 'capable' and 'uses own initiative' and 'team-player'.  other words. I don't have 'team player' on my CV... I used fancier words. I ain't stupid.

How does one gain experience if one does not have the experience?
This has confused people of all ages and has been discussed extensively and I have nothing new to say on the matter but, seriously??? Come. ON. (this was the reason I didn't get the last job I interviewed for.)

Feedback is super important and you should always ask for it if you were not successful but, that last interview's feedback was:
You were great at interview, you're very personable and we liked you a lot. You were the most exceptional at presenting yourself and you are very friendly and charming. But your Excel skills are not the best and you have no data analysis experience. -note: I really liked the person giving the feedback and she was very optimistic about my chances at an upcoming job so I am not complaining here and I agree with her but my point is still valid.
How am I supposed to get this data analysis experience exactly? HUH?
I don't want to analyse data but still.

One of the first hurdles I encountered in my (neverending?) job search was that I don't really know what job I want to do. My current role doesn't really exist in the same way in other places and I want a pay-rise so I can't just do what I do now somewhere else and get paid more... so my advice is to figure out what to apply for.

Update: I did not get the job. So maybe don't listen to me at all.

On The Future

The future is an unknown. "It's bright. It's Orange" (as the old mobile phone company ad used to be), it's exciting, it's scary, it's hopeful... it's too much and not enough.
Without 'Tomorrow's World' [Tomorrow's World - the home of the future]here to guide us and only 'Black Mirror' showing us the way, technology is increasingly a crazy, scary world. Just look at Twitter or Tinder or Cambridge Analytica.
As usual, I digress (and use too many parentheses) as I am writing to let you know about some plans I have coming up.
Plan 1: win the lottery - this is an ongoing scheme but one which may never be fulfilled as I don't play the lottery.
Plan 2: as usual I am looking for a new job. All past job searches have been scuppered because

• I am really bad at Excel
• I am "too honest" in interviews
• I don't have the right experience (this one has always really killed me. It's such a lame catch-22 that I won't even go into it here and now. Future post?)
• I don't actually want to have to work for a living

Plan 3: James and I are going to start a podcast. The USP of which is essentially this blog and so I have resurrected it and we'll be rich and famous (or just a tiny bit internet famous but not for getting "cancelled" or tweeting horrendous things) and then that'll show 'em (who?). 

Plan 4: I have ordered loads of fabric samples coz I want to do a thing. Maybe I'll show you said thing when I have made it. I get fancy notions and then nothing comes of them as I have the attention span of a goldfish which has ADD and no Adderall. 

So, the most important plan here is that James and I will be going on and on about some things so please listen out for that. 

END