On Feeling Overwhelmed in the Time of Coronavirus

What is this "new normal" anyway? What was the old normal? 
What are the latest government guidelines? I stopped paying attention when Boris Johnson gave such conflicting advice that I was left scratching my head. Stay in, don't stay in, go out, shake it all about. Go to the park with strangers but don't hang out with your family. Oof. So, what's the latest? Everything is back to normal but it's a new normal where we wear masks (unless you're being a bit of a prick, to be honest) and stay at least 1 metre away from everyone (except when you're in the supermarket where basically all of that goes out of the window). 

So, here's a thought I've been discussing at length. 

Life is tough enough at the best of times (is that just me?) and my mood fluctuates wildly most weeks (mostly downward if I'm honest) but lately this has got worse. And it's not just me. Here's why, I think: All of our regular struggles are being played out against a backdrop of chaos, misinformation, a global pandemic, and the worst recession we've seen for 300 years. Although, let's face it - how much money was even around 300 years ago? It's a crazy comparison to make in my opinion. Also, we weren't there so how can we compare? There wasn't even the internet 300 years ago. What a savage time altogether.

So is it any wonder that we are all feeling so despondent and despairing? There's an abundance of crazy people around and we have the joy of seeing it on whatever social media platform you choose to look at, there are incompetent leaders in the UK and the US and look, whatever your political persuasion is you must admit they've made a pig of this whole situation. We're no New Zealand after all. 

People's incompetence, although usually staggering, is worse than usual and people have a problem with wearing masks. And here's why: the masks protect others. If we were all to wear one (or those of us who absolutely can) then we'd be in a much better situation now, it's just science. But, as I said, they protect others. If they were marketed as protecting YOU from others more people would wear them with less fuss. And this is nothing new, by the way, We haven't become more unreasonable. During the 1918 Flu Pandemic the exact same thing happened. Except that then air travel wasn't quite the thing as it is now. 

But hey, at least terrorism isn't such a massive thing at the moment.

The 7 Deadly Sins #4 Wrath

Righteous and furious anger. Man, feeling angry feels so good. Doesn't it? That rage! Bubbling through your veins. Maybe your eyesight goes black or red and there's a pounding in your ears. Ooh boy. That's the good shit. And then afterwards? That post-orgasmic feeling where you are empty? Maybe the remnants of adrenaline are leaving your central nervous system? If you're anything like me then you are filled with shame, and pain. Maybe tears course down your face? Was it worth it? 

No. 

Wrath is such a bad thing, man. What a deep and philosophical thing to write. No, but seriously. Yes, there probably is a time and a place. But it really is no good for your soul. Like, it just doesn't feel like it is. That afterburn. That sense of real awareness that your anger was useless to you. 

Why is wrath a deadly sin? Anger isn't. And, let's be very clear: anger is not wrath. Wrath is that anger that has tipped over the edge. Anger is understandable. I am angry that there is injustice in the world. That people are not equal or equitable or whichever I decide it ought to be. Anger is raging against the machine. Wrath is useless. Wrath doesn't accomplish what it needs to. Wrath is punishing the undeserving. Wrath is too much, man. No, really, I am so deep and philosophical. 

[spoiler alert for a really old movie you have no business not to have watched yet]

Wrath is the end of the movie Se7en where, oh my goodness, what an ending. Why does Gwyneth have to die? She hadn't even thought of Goop, let alone started selling candles which smell like her vagina (and if that isn't a sentence ripped straight from dystopian fiction then I don't know what is). Brad killing Kevin Spacey is not going to get his wife back (look, I've forgotten all of the characters' names and I will NOT look them up) and it's just going to fuck his life up beyond belief. Kevin Spacey is getting what he wants, basically suicide by cop, and Morgan Freeman is so near to retirement. This is only going to adversely affect Brad - who does some great lip licking acting in this film...

Do you know what? I think I've focused too much on the movie... 

But you get my point? 

So, do I commit this sin? You know, not as often as you might expect for someone so full of anger. I see the senselessness of it. Also,  HATE it when I allow others to know that they have upset me. HATE IT. So, I pretend they don't then drink a bottle of Jack Daniels and listen to sad songs. I have at least 7 playlists.

The 7 Deadly Sins #3: Envy

Here's an observation: Whenever people tell me their good news, i.e. they bought a flat, got a promotion, found a bag of gold (never happened, but it could) my first thought is, "wow, good for them" and immediately after my second thought is, whiny and childish, 'oh that didn't happen for me, that's never gonna happen to me :( '. However, I have also observed that some  people's first reaction is, 'that didn't happen for me...' and I'm sort of proud that although I do experience envy, at least it's not my first thought. At the very least I allow the bearer of news a moment of genuine happiness. Like, not everything is about me AND I know it. 

It's really hard to find a photo of envy
so here's a picture of a dog I wish I was

There is an actual difference between jealousy and envy and all too often people confuse the two so here is the difference (gather round):

Envy: When you want what someone else has got (so my above observation is correct in a post about envy and it's all about coveting thy neighbour's ox. Which is so bad that it's in the actual Ten Commandments) 
Jealousy: Feeling threatened that what you have might be taken away, usually applied to relationships. So, if I think you're out to steal my man (JOLENE!) then I would feel jealousy towards you (JOLENE!)
People tend to mistake the word jealousy for envy, don't they. I blame Shakespeare with his evocative talk of the green-eyed monster. 

There is a time and a place where envy is acceptable, in order to better oneself. Because we are social creatures and using others' successes as a yardstick is really helpful. In the most positive way I have seen something that my peers and friends have achieved and thought, well I can do that too if they can. In a way it was envy that spurred me on to do these things. For example, at one point in my life I was working somewhere where every one else had a degree and I didn't. Although not a negative emotion, in this case, I did feel sort of envious that all of these people where being promoted ahead of me because they had a degree but I turned that into a positive by going back to school and getting a degree. It's when envy is coupled solely with resentment that I think it becomes such a sin, to yourself. The person you are envious of ain't gonna care. If anything it adds to their achievement. Everyone wants to be envied rather than envious. 

This has led to the expression, "haters gonna hate" and that's an annoying phrase. Although, it is true. I suppose.

So what to do? If you're envious of your friend's good fortune and it's eating you up inside and it's tearing you apart and you're going to actual Hell because you're guilty of one of the seven deadly sins? 

Do better. 

On Jolene, the Dolly Parton song

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"Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

Who is Jolene? Why is she taking Dolly's man, if we assume that Dolly the singer is the "my" of the song. Jolene sounds like she's of Irish or at least Celtic descent. And sounds a little bit like some sort of demon-temptress. Ivory skin, emerald green eyes. How did Dolly's "man" come to meet Jolene? What does she do for a living? I will never know and I cannot help but think about the mysterious Jolene. Listening to Smooth FM means I hear this song a lot. At least once a day.

"Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, Jolene

Dolly, you do not need to compete with Jolene. Is Jolene a homewrecker? Fine. What a cow. But, it's your man who is the problem here. I am sick of the woman being raked over hot coals for being the "other" woman. The man is equally to blame, if not more. We are to assume (although based on nothing) that Jolene is a single woman. Dolly's man is in a relationship. HE is the more culpable. HE is the homewrecker. 

I want to know what a voice like summer rain sounds like.  

"He talks about you in his sleep
There's nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, Jolene

Listen, he might be saying "Jolene" in his sleep and that's upsetting but I once downloaded one of those apps that records noises whilst you sleep (I wanted to prove that I don't snore. I don't) and I said some nonsense babbling... don't mean nothing. And, Dolly, don't cry. If he wants to leave you for Jolene, fuck 'im.  

"And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene

Dolly, stop with the low self esteem. Relationships are complicated and are not a competition. I say, with low self-esteem and no relationship. [Coaches don't play] 

"Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can

And anyway, have we considered that maybe Jolene doesn't want your man? Maybe Dolly's man is being a creepy perv?  

"You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
He's the only one for me, Jolene

Even if your man is one in a million, there are still 7,000 people out there like him. Also, I think it's a bit much to assume that you could never love again. Look at the rate of second and third marriages. Dolly, you can find another. And probably better, by the sounds of it.  

"I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him even though you can
Jolene, Jolene"

Wow, so many things here. Your happiness depends on YOU, Dolly. No one else. And frankly it's unfair to behave otherwise. Why don't we ask your man what he wants? AND do you really want to be what your partner might consider to be second best? And if he doesn't leave you for Jolene, he'll leave you for Angela or Pamela or Sandra or Rita or Monica or Erica or Tina or Mary or Jessica*.

Hopefully, now that I have written this I shall stop thinking about Jolene every goddamn day. I'm a hopeful sort.

Who is Jolene? Where is she from? What does she do? Just prance about being enticing to weak men? What's Dolly's fella got to say about all of this? I have equally intrusive thoughts about the Brandy and Monica song, 'The Boy is Mine'. Kelly and I would change the lyrics to "the boy is yours". That's the whole problem with that song. You think I would FIGHT to keep a cheater? Nah, allow it bruv. Have him. Safe, safe, safe. 

*the girls from Mambo Number 5

The 7 deadly sins #2: On Gluttony

Gluttony. 

Another deadly sin I am certainly guilty of (for my sins. Hang on, that's the point isn't it? I'm right then) and I think that many of us are during The Year of Corona. Aren't we? Just me? Oh, OK.
We simply aren't moving around all that much, are we? Since Boris closed the pubs and told us stay at home, protect the NHS. Although that message has shifted to stay alert and something something. Keep protecting the NHS? I have genuinely forgotten and I will NOT look it up. Now that there are all these protests going on Covid-19 seems to have been put on the back-burner. Conspiracy theory hat on: because they want us to get it and die? 

Anyway, gluttony. Here's an example of my flawed thinking that leads me down the path of overindulgence. Ready? 

My attempt at being less calorific

OK, so sometimes I fancy a bit of chocolate. Now, I'd like to be the kind of psychopath who can neatly break off one square of chocolate, mindfully look at it, mindfully smell it, mindfully contemplate it, mindfully put it in my mouth (in my motherfuckin' mouth - reference humour there for those who know that song), and mindfully eat it in a savouring kinda fashion. Seriously, this is how one is supposed to eat. I read a book about it (called, surprisingly, "Mindful Eating"). However, I am not that kind of psychopath. I'm a different kind. I'm not sure which kind and Buzzfeed has failed to come up with a "What kind of psychopath are you?" quiz. So, we'll never know. 

I go buy a bar of chocolate. I break off a square. I shove it in my mouth (in my motherfuckin' mouth) put the rest of the chocolate bar away, sit down, stand up, go get the chocolate bar, think, 'fuck it', and eat the rest. 

Know why? 

Because somehow it makes sense to me to get rid of it rather than have it infecting my flat and my thoughts. Out of sight (in my stomach), out of mind. "So, Vicky WHY BUY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU FOOL?" I hear you ask, quite rudely. 

Because, I am a glutton and I am going to go to Hell for that so I may as well eat chocolate before my eternal damnation. And if that doesn't make any sense to you, well, I don't know what to tell you. 

A short series on the 7 deadly sins and how I am guilty of each of them. On Sloth

1. Sloth

Sloth. A great animal. My favourite of the 7 Deadly Sins as it is one I am probably most guilty of.

Sloth lazing about being a sloth

Currently, I am sitting in my flat. Alone. There is a sink full of washing up and the bin is almost overflowing (I jammed the lid down with some violence but there is a box full of rubbish on the cooker so, I count that as overflowing). I am usually a keeper of a well kept flat. It IS very small and even I can usually keep on top of these things. But, this "new normal" means that I am here an awful lot and I have very few (none) visitors so my slovenly ways get the better of me and I can't be bothered to keep on top of these things. 
Who's visiting? Who will judge me and my slattern ways? Only me and I know what a piece of work I am. Oh, and God. And He knows what a piece of work I am. Maybe my visitors do too? Well, that's their problem. I have no choice but to spend time with myself. I'm always there... 

Sloth is a funny one to have as a deadly sin, isn't it? Like, Jesus, you're just a bit lazy. Why are you going to Hell for that? Anyway, the sins aren't actually explicitly mentioned in the bible (I could look all of this up but it's more fun for me to just proclaim facts like I know them) and there are also virtues but no one ever talks about the virtues, do they? And would you like to know why? Because sins are just more interesting, aren't they? Oh, we all know patience is a virtue but name the other 6. I'll wait. 

I will obviously look them up...

Wiki link 7 sins and virtues

Chastity	Castitas	Purity, abstinence	Lust	Luxuria
Temperance	Temperantia	Humanity, equanimity	Gluttony	Gula
Charity	Caritas	Will, benevolence, generosity, sacrifice	Greed	Avaritia
Diligence	Industria	Persistence, effortfulness, ethics	Sloth	Acedia
Patience	Patientia	Forgiveness, mercy	Wrath	Ira
Kindness	Humanitas	Satisfaction, compassion	Envy	Invidia
Humility	Humilitas	Bravery, modesty, reverence	Pride	Superbia

I might just link that for each of this amazing series... 

I can't be bothered to write any more on Sloth. See? (that's a joke, although not really as I really ain't writing any more about sloth. Frankly I just needed a distraction from working and the apocalypse)

On (very) Minor Frustrations and their impact

I'm (still) working from home. That's fine. It's OK. I'm dealing well with the insanity that this is causing. Slow IT, video conferencing with my "team", daily updates, daily emails talking of "coping at this unprecedented time", email sign offs of "stay safe" (I think that's just a given, isn't it? Pandemic or not.) and utilising space to the max in such a small flat... I'm dealing with all of this well. 
So, what's the issue? Well, my current set up is a laptop with a separate keyboard (because that's better) and a wireless mouse. Except, my wireless mouse stopped working yesterday and I am now awaiting a delivery of a new one. Which means that I am trying to use the track pad on the laptop but combining pdf files (which is awkward enough already) has driven me to a complete standstill. 

Listen, I know I can be the most procrastinating punk at the best of times but it's just any teeny, tiny, minor obstacle becomes insurmountable in these unprecedented times. And all of this to a soundtrack of "ping", "bing", "bong", and other computer noises alerting me to emails, chat messages and reminders... who would have predicted that the death of one (1) computer mouse would be the straw that broke this camel's back? 

Not me.