On "Lockdown" (Covid-19 continues)

Isn't this all so boring? I'm OK with being alone. I chose to live alone, for example, and I love it... for the most part. It's a bit annoying having no one to rely on to buy toilet paper (hey, remember when everyone panic bought toilet paper? What was that all about?) and I can't just send someone to do some errands for me. And I'm the only one who does that washing up (same as it ever was, am I right!?) but for the most part, it's fine. Except. For the past two days I can hear a wailing from somewhere outside which I think is someone singing and I can't discuss this travesty with anyone. So you are all going to hear about it. It's too quiet for my phone or laptop to pick up on their mics but I swear it's happening and that it's not just some auditory hallucination. I swear. 

So, our PM Bojo Horseman (a little Bojack joke for you there, free. No, really all of these jokes are gratis. You're welcome) has said, what? We can go out but not too far. We can see people but wear a mask and stay back. We can go to the park and sit in it. And if you can't work from home, go to work. But stay safe and stay alert. I'm always alert anyway since I was once pickpocketed on Tottenham Court Road when I worked at Sainsbury's there. 3 weeks I lasted. What a place. I was given a name badge that said 'Georgina' and I don't know if you know this but my name is not actually Georgina. The Georgina saw me wearing it, told me it was hers, and when I offered it back to her she said, "no. I don't need it. Every one has to wear a name badge and yours isn't ready. I'm just telling you it's mine." Which was a very aggressive way of telling me her name was Georgina. 

So, yeah. Pickpocketed I was. On Tottenham Court Road. That was the point of that story. So, I'm always alert. ALWAYS. Vigilant. But, what is it that we are supposed to be alert to? People coughing at you? That's disgusting at the best of times. And these are far from the best of times. You don't need me to tell you that. Is it the worst of times? Nah, probably not. These are the times of times. Because time has no meaning at the moment. Time is abstract at the best of times... I'm getting in a muddle now. Bloody lockdown. Lockish-down.

But, yeah, we can go to the park and sit down. Because people were already going to the park and having a sit down and we literally do not have enough police to stop them. So, now they  are just capitulating and saying, "oh alright then guys. But stay alert, will you?" 

Is pickpocketed a word? 

My main issue, about lockdown - not in general (in general my main issue is me), is I was already feeling rather fatigued about going outside and this really hasn't helped. I can't be bothered and now I don't need to. What'll become of me when things go back some semblance of normality? You want me to go onto the tube and arrive somewhere else? What are you? Crazy? I only have to come back again so why should I bother? Oh to get out and see stuff? I've seen some stuff. Once you've seen one stuff, you've seen 'em all. And "do" a "thing"? No, thank you. I've done some things. And once you've done one thing they expect you to do another thing and another thing and where will it end? Once you've done one thing, you've done 'em all. 

That was the same joke twice but also with a bonus joke. Like I said, all of these jokes are free. Literally no money will exchange hands. Because of coronavirus? No. Because I'm a kind and generous woman who is just giving away free jokes. That way the quality of them doesn't matter so much. 

Here's another thought (I am able to have approximately 12 thoughts on any given day): let's all just carry on staying away from people, OK? You don't know where they've been and they might actually kill you. Either by murder or disease. Do you want that? You want to be killed by a stranger on the Kilburn High Road (other roads are also available)? You are weird. I do not want to be killed by a stranger on Kilburn High Road. I want to be killed in a crime of passion or by choking on a piece of chicken. That almost happened once and that would have been a ridiculous way to die. 

This got a bit dark. Probably should have turned the light on. Remember, you paid nothing for that joke either so don't complain. Don't write to Watchdog (is that still on?) because they will not help you get your money back. 

Stay indoors. 
Don't clap on Thursdays for the NHS - just stop voting for a party that hates the NHS. You sanctimonious fartbags.
Stay alert.
Go to work. Or don't, if you can't.
Don't take public transport. Or do, if you have to. 

Don't cough on people. Ever. Covid-19 or not. It's rude and disgusting.

Don't get pickpocketed on Tottenham Court Road. Or any road. If you're alert this will probably not happen. So, stay alert twice. Stay really alert. 

On Conspiracy Theories

Look, I know it's hard to believe this but the moon is real, the Queen is not a shape-shifting reptilian, the Coronavirus isn't caused by 5G, Bill Gates doesn't want to track your every movement (our phones already do that anyway, guys), and they aren't sacrificing people at Bohemian Grove as part of Satanic rituals. And even if these things were all true we still have to get up, go to work (if you have a job, obviously), pay our bills, sleep, eat, breathe... the usual mess of life. So, what the heck difference does it make?

Let's have a quick whizz round some of these.

The Moon is FAKE! 

I read a tweet that was like, "oh if someone lays an outlandish conspiracy theory on you just tell them something more outlandish" (I'm paraphrasing) Like: Oh I don't believe in the moon landings. So you counter with, "wait, you believe there's a moon!?"
Funny tweet. Except there IS a conspiracy theory that the moon is a mere holographic projection. That the moon WAS once real but now it isn't. Or that it is actually a spaceship. Or something. For real. That's a real thing that people believe. And you thought flat-earthers were crazy.
You must read this: Hollow Moon wiki

Unsurprisingly, David Icke believes that the moon is a spacecraft.

The Queen is a Lizard!

Well, her name is Liz. Proof.

This is one of the more crazy ones which mixes together so many other conspiracies that it's hard to even know where to begin. So I won't. Instead I will quickly say that I worked at Waterstone's (book shop chain) for a number of years and for most of my time there I worked in the Pop. Psychology and Mind, Body, Spirit (MBS) sections - and health and religion but we're not here to talk about those.
Pop. Psychology was a fancy way of saying "Self-Help" and MBS was just where we put Paulo Coelho books, books about witchcraft for teen girls going through a The Craft phase, tarot reading stuff, and novelty crystal balls.
Somehow David Icke fell into one of these sections and to be perfectly honest I cannot remember which one it was. Like, his books shouldn't have been in my section. Maybe in history or something. Anyway, I wasn't responsible for deciding what went where. My story is that David Icke is very popular among young men (18-25) so whenever a young bloke would wander into my section they would ask me for David Icke books. It got so common and usual that one time I just handed a David Icke book (the latest one) to the guy approaching me with a question forming. But then I realised my mistake when he looked at me shocked and confused and stuttered, "how did you know!!???" and I had to state, confidently, that I was merely very good at my job and wasn't just profiling everyone that came near my section (oh, young teen girl with thick black eyeliner wants a book about wicca? Colour me surprised).

This lizard thing is sometimes written off as racism against Jewish people. But, for David Icke at least, it really isn't racism. He really believes in lizard people. (I may have flicked through all of his books).

The coronavirus-5G link.

Guys, I don't know what to tell you except that people are scared of change. People are scared by new technology. Why wasn't this a thing with 3 or 4G?
I remember reading about microwaves being really bad for you when I was a kid and I was worried about why we had brought a microwave oven into our homes if they were so bad. Listen, I have had a microwave oven in my life since I can remember and I am fine. And anything about me that isn't fine is really nothing to do with microwaves. It's all the psychological damage.
The fact of the matter is this: we live in a capitalist system. Capitalism does not want consumers to be dead. Dead people don't buy anything. It's not a workable model for the capitalist elite. It just isn't. I can't stress that enough. What this virus proves is that we/politics/capitalism are not stronger than nature. Any tsunami or earthquake teaches us that. 

Bill Gates wants to track us.

Guys, we are tracked. 

The world is chaotic

Conspiracy theories give people the idea that there is an order to the world. A secret cabal of bankers, Jews, lizards, Satanists, whatever are the movers and shakers who control all. And yes, there is an elite and there are powerful people who decide certain fates to befall us, e.g. the fashion industry decides what's in fashion - right, but not to the extent that these theorists think they do. 

Some (mostly boring ones - never the interesting or outlandish ones) turn out to be true. They really have practiced eugenics, they really have killed people, they really do cover shit up. I am not naive. I do not "drink the Kool-Aid" - not fun fact: it wasn't Kool-Aid in Jonestown and most people didn't willingly drink it but I'll write about cults another time.
I do think that there are people in back rooms making shady deals and planning bullshit but I do not think they are adept enough are keeping these wilder conspiracies under wraps. You know? 

One of the more interesting points about people who buy into these ideas is this: often their own lives have been beset by tragedy or are spiralling out of control. This is just like any other gang. A need for community, solidarity, friendship. Maybe we should all reach out to each other? The only problem is that most people make their minds up about a thing and never back down. Perhaps with patience and understanding...? What a wild idea.

And anyway, I think that these crazy conspiracy theories are what they want you to believe. The truth is gonna be far, far worse. 

On Working From Home

Pros

No commute - saving so much time and money 

Cons 

My back hurts 

I only have one (small) screen

Remote desktops are weird and awkward 

Too many snacks are on hand

So. You working from home? Listen, I'm grateful that I have a job that I can (kind of) do from home. I'm not on furlough, I haven't been fired, I don't have to commute... I'm one of the very lucky ones but, man, my back fucking hurts. I live in a tiny flat and the designation between "fun" part of the flat and "work" part of the flat is naturally very small. And did I mention that my back hurts?

I'm still enjoying the fact that I can listen to the radio all day but that brings its own set of woes. Every hour, on the hour, I hear some terribly depressing news and that's a lot for my poor brain. I'm up the wazoo with anxiety. Jesus. 

Also, my manager rings me at least once a day! And in a way that's nice because I'm hearing a human being speak but also that just keeps me on the edge, yo. 

Man, all of this is too much, innit? 

I hope you're able to keep yourselves safe and well and not coughing or worrying about people coughing on you. I went to Tesco earlier and let me tell you now: people just need to back the fuck up. <sigh>

On Pubs

Hey, you.
YOU.
Remember pubs?
It's only been 2 weeks since the "lockdown" but I feel like my memory is fading and I feel as though my memory is tinged with rose-coloured spectacles of nostalgia.
Oh pubs. You go to a place and you drink a pint (I don't drink pints) and you play a game of darts (I don't play darts) and you pet the dog in the corner (I absolutely would pet a dog but not all pubs have a dog in the corner). Good times, man. GOOD TIMES.
I'll tell you what I really miss: hanging out with my friends. I suppose that's what my nostalgic misery is about. I miss texting someone and saying, "hey, are you free? Fancy meeting for a drink?" Instead I find myself texting, "Hey, wanna Zoom? I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and then texting invite meeting passwords and nonsense and it is just not the same.
George Orwell famously wrote about the best pub. Where a dog is in the corner and the old boys are smoking pipes and talking and there's a fire and a dartboard and the perfect pub doesn't exist (was the point of the essay, maybe).
I'll tell you what a good pub is though, The Canonbury near Highbury and Islington station. It has a brilliant garden, good food, is near to some decent nightclubs and isn't a million miles away from wherever I have lived (and therefore I can get a cab back, cheaply). Man, I miss The Canonbury. When all of this is over who wants to meet me there for a pint?

On Nostalgia

The 90s were great, weren't they?
[disclaimer: I'm a bit drunk and Boris Johnson PM has just announced further restrictions on our freedoms... I dunno, man, I'm too drunk to have an actual coherent thought about this. I should've eaten that jacket potato in the oven. I'm a fool]
 My friend Sarah and I often talk about the 90s. We discuss it in a way that knows that the 90s were fucking awesome. And they were. Except, personally, I didn't know Sarah - that sucks. I was a bit mental for the first half - that sucks. I was a bit lost - that sucks. BUT, Radiohead... they were awesome in the 90s. And Blur, Oasis, all the "alternative" music scene what I got into... good shit, guys.
Anyway, my point was nostalgia. Nostalgia is what you make it. I could focus on some dark bullshit when talking about the past OR I could be like, yeah, guys, the past was like so awesome. Remember this?
Anyway, I'm in this weird bubble where I remember some shit that my generation doesn't and remember things from the generation above me, or beneath me... and that's one of the things that makes me oh so special... 😂

On Social Distancing (on my birthday)

So, we're in lockdown. All the pubs are closed but there is still booze in the supermarkets and I'm grateful that this has happened at a time when we have the internet and I have a new laptop. My worry is that I'm going to get so used to this way of socialising that I'll just do it via Zoom or video conferencing more often.
Doubt it.
So, how are we all doing? Some morons are still going out and being morons and I'm allowing the conspiracy part of my brain to go a bit crazy and think that there is some sinister reason for all of this. But then I watch some comedy and calm down. Imagine how much of a field day the people who think the earth is flat are having? You know who I mean. I also wonder if those doomsday preppers are hanging out in their bunkers yet? What's the point of prepping if you don't use it?

Although we're living in a golden age of streaming television I would like to tell you something. There is a LOT of shit to be watched. The amount of sub-par mediocre, laugh-track sit-coms is actually appalling. Who can I complain to about this? Have you seen that new Matt Le Blanc shit? It has THREE seasons. Three! How? And then some shows get cancelled far too early and the world is crazy. <Gestures vaguely at everything> See?

Today is my birthday. I'm going to go for a walk, like a wild woman. PARTY! I'm also going to video call with a friend. And drink a bottle of wine. I swear I've spoken on the phone more in the past 3 days than in the past 3 months. It's also UK Mother's Day today (so my birthday was already stolen). Luckily, deliveries are still happening. So, I'm still in the good books.

Anyway, don't be a dick. Stay indoors and don't buy too much toilet paper.

on Cancelling 2020

I don't know if  you've heard or not but basically 2020 is the end of the world (as we know it) because there is a flu-like virus and we're all going to die. I'm sorry that I had to be blunt and break it to you like that but the world leaders aren't being as blunt as me. So, you know, someone needs to be honest. I volunteer as tribute. You know why? I live alone and after 2 days I am bored as fuck. I've spoken on the telephone three times and had 2 video calls. I also left the flat twice but only to go out as far as Tesco Metro and McDonalds, i.e. not far at all. Shit is mental, y'all.

      When I was 11 years old I didn't go to school for about 9 months and I went a teeny bit crazy. Look, it was 1993/4 and it was a weird time for everyone, wasn't it? I don't really know why I didn't go to school or why I stayed indoors but I feel like this period of my life goes a very long way in explaining why I am peculiar in the vein that I am. Like, I'm not WEIRD weird but I'm a bit off-kilter. Anyway, all this is to say that I think that all of us "off-kilter" weirdos will be fine in the coming months. We will cope well with the weirdness and be grateful that it's the future. It's 2020, we have the internet, WiFi, mobile phones!!! and Facebook... et cetera. Let's be glad we have all that. We could be so much more worse off. And my point is: I survived that isolation and you will survive this isolation too. 

     The world will be different, is different already, in a few months time. People will show their true colours and some peoples' true colours will be horrible colours indeed but there will be good people. Bright people. People whose colours are beautiful. Always look for the helpers. And they will be there. Amidst the wankers fighting over the toilet paper and profiteering over tinned soup when someone is starving there will be people offering a hand and giving what they have. Be one of those. As much as you can. 

     Be nice.