On Feeling Overwhelmed in the Time of Coronavirus

What is this "new normal" anyway? What was the old normal? 
What are the latest government guidelines? I stopped paying attention when Boris Johnson gave such conflicting advice that I was left scratching my head. Stay in, don't stay in, go out, shake it all about. Go to the park with strangers but don't hang out with your family. Oof. So, what's the latest? Everything is back to normal but it's a new normal where we wear masks (unless you're being a bit of a prick, to be honest) and stay at least 1 metre away from everyone (except when you're in the supermarket where basically all of that goes out of the window). 

So, here's a thought I've been discussing at length. 

Life is tough enough at the best of times (is that just me?) and my mood fluctuates wildly most weeks (mostly downward if I'm honest) but lately this has got worse. And it's not just me. Here's why, I think: All of our regular struggles are being played out against a backdrop of chaos, misinformation, a global pandemic, and the worst recession we've seen for 300 years. Although, let's face it - how much money was even around 300 years ago? It's a crazy comparison to make in my opinion. Also, we weren't there so how can we compare? There wasn't even the internet 300 years ago. What a savage time altogether.

So is it any wonder that we are all feeling so despondent and despairing? There's an abundance of crazy people around and we have the joy of seeing it on whatever social media platform you choose to look at, there are incompetent leaders in the UK and the US and look, whatever your political persuasion is you must admit they've made a pig of this whole situation. We're no New Zealand after all. 

People's incompetence, although usually staggering, is worse than usual and people have a problem with wearing masks. And here's why: the masks protect others. If we were all to wear one (or those of us who absolutely can) then we'd be in a much better situation now, it's just science. But, as I said, they protect others. If they were marketed as protecting YOU from others more people would wear them with less fuss. And this is nothing new, by the way, We haven't become more unreasonable. During the 1918 Flu Pandemic the exact same thing happened. Except that then air travel wasn't quite the thing as it is now. 

But hey, at least terrorism isn't such a massive thing at the moment.

The 7 Deadly Sins #4 Wrath

Righteous and furious anger. Man, feeling angry feels so good. Doesn't it? That rage! Bubbling through your veins. Maybe your eyesight goes black or red and there's a pounding in your ears. Ooh boy. That's the good shit. And then afterwards? That post-orgasmic feeling where you are empty? Maybe the remnants of adrenaline are leaving your central nervous system? If you're anything like me then you are filled with shame, and pain. Maybe tears course down your face? Was it worth it? 

No. 

Wrath is such a bad thing, man. What a deep and philosophical thing to write. No, but seriously. Yes, there probably is a time and a place. But it really is no good for your soul. Like, it just doesn't feel like it is. That afterburn. That sense of real awareness that your anger was useless to you. 

Why is wrath a deadly sin? Anger isn't. And, let's be very clear: anger is not wrath. Wrath is that anger that has tipped over the edge. Anger is understandable. I am angry that there is injustice in the world. That people are not equal or equitable or whichever I decide it ought to be. Anger is raging against the machine. Wrath is useless. Wrath doesn't accomplish what it needs to. Wrath is punishing the undeserving. Wrath is too much, man. No, really, I am so deep and philosophical. 

[spoiler alert for a really old movie you have no business not to have watched yet]

Wrath is the end of the movie Se7en where, oh my goodness, what an ending. Why does Gwyneth have to die? She hadn't even thought of Goop, let alone started selling candles which smell like her vagina (and if that isn't a sentence ripped straight from dystopian fiction then I don't know what is). Brad killing Kevin Spacey is not going to get his wife back (look, I've forgotten all of the characters' names and I will NOT look them up) and it's just going to fuck his life up beyond belief. Kevin Spacey is getting what he wants, basically suicide by cop, and Morgan Freeman is so near to retirement. This is only going to adversely affect Brad - who does some great lip licking acting in this film...

Do you know what? I think I've focused too much on the movie... 

But you get my point? 

So, do I commit this sin? You know, not as often as you might expect for someone so full of anger. I see the senselessness of it. Also,  HATE it when I allow others to know that they have upset me. HATE IT. So, I pretend they don't then drink a bottle of Jack Daniels and listen to sad songs. I have at least 7 playlists.

The 7 Deadly Sins #3: Envy

Here's an observation: Whenever people tell me their good news, i.e. they bought a flat, got a promotion, found a bag of gold (never happened, but it could) my first thought is, "wow, good for them" and immediately after my second thought is, whiny and childish, 'oh that didn't happen for me, that's never gonna happen to me :( '. However, I have also observed that some  people's first reaction is, 'that didn't happen for me...' and I'm sort of proud that although I do experience envy, at least it's not my first thought. At the very least I allow the bearer of news a moment of genuine happiness. Like, not everything is about me AND I know it. 

It's really hard to find a photo of envy
so here's a picture of a dog I wish I was

There is an actual difference between jealousy and envy and all too often people confuse the two so here is the difference (gather round):

Envy: When you want what someone else has got (so my above observation is correct in a post about envy and it's all about coveting thy neighbour's ox. Which is so bad that it's in the actual Ten Commandments) 
Jealousy: Feeling threatened that what you have might be taken away, usually applied to relationships. So, if I think you're out to steal my man (JOLENE!) then I would feel jealousy towards you (JOLENE!)
People tend to mistake the word jealousy for envy, don't they. I blame Shakespeare with his evocative talk of the green-eyed monster. 

There is a time and a place where envy is acceptable, in order to better oneself. Because we are social creatures and using others' successes as a yardstick is really helpful. In the most positive way I have seen something that my peers and friends have achieved and thought, well I can do that too if they can. In a way it was envy that spurred me on to do these things. For example, at one point in my life I was working somewhere where every one else had a degree and I didn't. Although not a negative emotion, in this case, I did feel sort of envious that all of these people where being promoted ahead of me because they had a degree but I turned that into a positive by going back to school and getting a degree. It's when envy is coupled solely with resentment that I think it becomes such a sin, to yourself. The person you are envious of ain't gonna care. If anything it adds to their achievement. Everyone wants to be envied rather than envious. 

This has led to the expression, "haters gonna hate" and that's an annoying phrase. Although, it is true. I suppose.

So what to do? If you're envious of your friend's good fortune and it's eating you up inside and it's tearing you apart and you're going to actual Hell because you're guilty of one of the seven deadly sins? 

Do better. 

On Jolene, the Dolly Parton song

Search Results

Knowledge result

"Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

Who is Jolene? Why is she taking Dolly's man, if we assume that Dolly the singer is the "my" of the song. Jolene sounds like she's of Irish or at least Celtic descent. And sounds a little bit like some sort of demon-temptress. Ivory skin, emerald green eyes. How did Dolly's "man" come to meet Jolene? What does she do for a living? I will never know and I cannot help but think about the mysterious Jolene. Listening to Smooth FM means I hear this song a lot. At least once a day.

"Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, Jolene

Dolly, you do not need to compete with Jolene. Is Jolene a homewrecker? Fine. What a cow. But, it's your man who is the problem here. I am sick of the woman being raked over hot coals for being the "other" woman. The man is equally to blame, if not more. We are to assume (although based on nothing) that Jolene is a single woman. Dolly's man is in a relationship. HE is the more culpable. HE is the homewrecker. 

I want to know what a voice like summer rain sounds like.  

"He talks about you in his sleep
There's nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, Jolene

Listen, he might be saying "Jolene" in his sleep and that's upsetting but I once downloaded one of those apps that records noises whilst you sleep (I wanted to prove that I don't snore. I don't) and I said some nonsense babbling... don't mean nothing. And, Dolly, don't cry. If he wants to leave you for Jolene, fuck 'im.  

"And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene

Dolly, stop with the low self esteem. Relationships are complicated and are not a competition. I say, with low self-esteem and no relationship. [Coaches don't play] 

"Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can

And anyway, have we considered that maybe Jolene doesn't want your man? Maybe Dolly's man is being a creepy perv?  

"You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
He's the only one for me, Jolene

Even if your man is one in a million, there are still 7,000 people out there like him. Also, I think it's a bit much to assume that you could never love again. Look at the rate of second and third marriages. Dolly, you can find another. And probably better, by the sounds of it.  

"I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him even though you can
Jolene, Jolene"

Wow, so many things here. Your happiness depends on YOU, Dolly. No one else. And frankly it's unfair to behave otherwise. Why don't we ask your man what he wants? AND do you really want to be what your partner might consider to be second best? And if he doesn't leave you for Jolene, he'll leave you for Angela or Pamela or Sandra or Rita or Monica or Erica or Tina or Mary or Jessica*.

Hopefully, now that I have written this I shall stop thinking about Jolene every goddamn day. I'm a hopeful sort.

Who is Jolene? Where is she from? What does she do? Just prance about being enticing to weak men? What's Dolly's fella got to say about all of this? I have equally intrusive thoughts about the Brandy and Monica song, 'The Boy is Mine'. Kelly and I would change the lyrics to "the boy is yours". That's the whole problem with that song. You think I would FIGHT to keep a cheater? Nah, allow it bruv. Have him. Safe, safe, safe. 

*the girls from Mambo Number 5

The 7 deadly sins #2: On Gluttony

Gluttony. 

Another deadly sin I am certainly guilty of (for my sins. Hang on, that's the point isn't it? I'm right then) and I think that many of us are during The Year of Corona. Aren't we? Just me? Oh, OK.
We simply aren't moving around all that much, are we? Since Boris closed the pubs and told us stay at home, protect the NHS. Although that message has shifted to stay alert and something something. Keep protecting the NHS? I have genuinely forgotten and I will NOT look it up. Now that there are all these protests going on Covid-19 seems to have been put on the back-burner. Conspiracy theory hat on: because they want us to get it and die? 

Anyway, gluttony. Here's an example of my flawed thinking that leads me down the path of overindulgence. Ready? 

My attempt at being less calorific

OK, so sometimes I fancy a bit of chocolate. Now, I'd like to be the kind of psychopath who can neatly break off one square of chocolate, mindfully look at it, mindfully smell it, mindfully contemplate it, mindfully put it in my mouth (in my motherfuckin' mouth - reference humour there for those who know that song), and mindfully eat it in a savouring kinda fashion. Seriously, this is how one is supposed to eat. I read a book about it (called, surprisingly, "Mindful Eating"). However, I am not that kind of psychopath. I'm a different kind. I'm not sure which kind and Buzzfeed has failed to come up with a "What kind of psychopath are you?" quiz. So, we'll never know. 

I go buy a bar of chocolate. I break off a square. I shove it in my mouth (in my motherfuckin' mouth) put the rest of the chocolate bar away, sit down, stand up, go get the chocolate bar, think, 'fuck it', and eat the rest. 

Know why? 

Because somehow it makes sense to me to get rid of it rather than have it infecting my flat and my thoughts. Out of sight (in my stomach), out of mind. "So, Vicky WHY BUY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU FOOL?" I hear you ask, quite rudely. 

Because, I am a glutton and I am going to go to Hell for that so I may as well eat chocolate before my eternal damnation. And if that doesn't make any sense to you, well, I don't know what to tell you. 

A short series on the 7 deadly sins and how I am guilty of each of them. On Sloth

1. Sloth

Sloth. A great animal. My favourite of the 7 Deadly Sins as it is one I am probably most guilty of.

Sloth lazing about being a sloth

Currently, I am sitting in my flat. Alone. There is a sink full of washing up and the bin is almost overflowing (I jammed the lid down with some violence but there is a box full of rubbish on the cooker so, I count that as overflowing). I am usually a keeper of a well kept flat. It IS very small and even I can usually keep on top of these things. But, this "new normal" means that I am here an awful lot and I have very few (none) visitors so my slovenly ways get the better of me and I can't be bothered to keep on top of these things. 
Who's visiting? Who will judge me and my slattern ways? Only me and I know what a piece of work I am. Oh, and God. And He knows what a piece of work I am. Maybe my visitors do too? Well, that's their problem. I have no choice but to spend time with myself. I'm always there... 

Sloth is a funny one to have as a deadly sin, isn't it? Like, Jesus, you're just a bit lazy. Why are you going to Hell for that? Anyway, the sins aren't actually explicitly mentioned in the bible (I could look all of this up but it's more fun for me to just proclaim facts like I know them) and there are also virtues but no one ever talks about the virtues, do they? And would you like to know why? Because sins are just more interesting, aren't they? Oh, we all know patience is a virtue but name the other 6. I'll wait. 

I will obviously look them up...

Wiki link 7 sins and virtues

Chastity	Castitas	Purity, abstinence	Lust	Luxuria
Temperance	Temperantia	Humanity, equanimity	Gluttony	Gula
Charity	Caritas	Will, benevolence, generosity, sacrifice	Greed	Avaritia
Diligence	Industria	Persistence, effortfulness, ethics	Sloth	Acedia
Patience	Patientia	Forgiveness, mercy	Wrath	Ira
Kindness	Humanitas	Satisfaction, compassion	Envy	Invidia
Humility	Humilitas	Bravery, modesty, reverence	Pride	Superbia

I might just link that for each of this amazing series... 

I can't be bothered to write any more on Sloth. See? (that's a joke, although not really as I really ain't writing any more about sloth. Frankly I just needed a distraction from working and the apocalypse)

On (very) Minor Frustrations and their impact

I'm (still) working from home. That's fine. It's OK. I'm dealing well with the insanity that this is causing. Slow IT, video conferencing with my "team", daily updates, daily emails talking of "coping at this unprecedented time", email sign offs of "stay safe" (I think that's just a given, isn't it? Pandemic or not.) and utilising space to the max in such a small flat... I'm dealing with all of this well. 
So, what's the issue? Well, my current set up is a laptop with a separate keyboard (because that's better) and a wireless mouse. Except, my wireless mouse stopped working yesterday and I am now awaiting a delivery of a new one. Which means that I am trying to use the track pad on the laptop but combining pdf files (which is awkward enough already) has driven me to a complete standstill. 

Listen, I know I can be the most procrastinating punk at the best of times but it's just any teeny, tiny, minor obstacle becomes insurmountable in these unprecedented times. And all of this to a soundtrack of "ping", "bing", "bong", and other computer noises alerting me to emails, chat messages and reminders... who would have predicted that the death of one (1) computer mouse would be the straw that broke this camel's back? 

Not me. 

 

On "Lockdown" (Covid-19 continues)

Isn't this all so boring? I'm OK with being alone. I chose to live alone, for example, and I love it... for the most part. It's a bit annoying having no one to rely on to buy toilet paper (hey, remember when everyone panic bought toilet paper? What was that all about?) and I can't just send someone to do some errands for me. And I'm the only one who does that washing up (same as it ever was, am I right!?) but for the most part, it's fine. Except. For the past two days I can hear a wailing from somewhere outside which I think is someone singing and I can't discuss this travesty with anyone. So you are all going to hear about it. It's too quiet for my phone or laptop to pick up on their mics but I swear it's happening and that it's not just some auditory hallucination. I swear. 

So, our PM Bojo Horseman (a little Bojack joke for you there, free. No, really all of these jokes are gratis. You're welcome) has said, what? We can go out but not too far. We can see people but wear a mask and stay back. We can go to the park and sit in it. And if you can't work from home, go to work. But stay safe and stay alert. I'm always alert anyway since I was once pickpocketed on Tottenham Court Road when I worked at Sainsbury's there. 3 weeks I lasted. What a place. I was given a name badge that said 'Georgina' and I don't know if you know this but my name is not actually Georgina. The Georgina saw me wearing it, told me it was hers, and when I offered it back to her she said, "no. I don't need it. Every one has to wear a name badge and yours isn't ready. I'm just telling you it's mine." Which was a very aggressive way of telling me her name was Georgina. 

So, yeah. Pickpocketed I was. On Tottenham Court Road. That was the point of that story. So, I'm always alert. ALWAYS. Vigilant. But, what is it that we are supposed to be alert to? People coughing at you? That's disgusting at the best of times. And these are far from the best of times. You don't need me to tell you that. Is it the worst of times? Nah, probably not. These are the times of times. Because time has no meaning at the moment. Time is abstract at the best of times... I'm getting in a muddle now. Bloody lockdown. Lockish-down.

But, yeah, we can go to the park and sit down. Because people were already going to the park and having a sit down and we literally do not have enough police to stop them. So, now they  are just capitulating and saying, "oh alright then guys. But stay alert, will you?" 

Is pickpocketed a word? 

My main issue, about lockdown - not in general (in general my main issue is me), is I was already feeling rather fatigued about going outside and this really hasn't helped. I can't be bothered and now I don't need to. What'll become of me when things go back some semblance of normality? You want me to go onto the tube and arrive somewhere else? What are you? Crazy? I only have to come back again so why should I bother? Oh to get out and see stuff? I've seen some stuff. Once you've seen one stuff, you've seen 'em all. And "do" a "thing"? No, thank you. I've done some things. And once you've done one thing they expect you to do another thing and another thing and where will it end? Once you've done one thing, you've done 'em all. 

That was the same joke twice but also with a bonus joke. Like I said, all of these jokes are free. Literally no money will exchange hands. Because of coronavirus? No. Because I'm a kind and generous woman who is just giving away free jokes. That way the quality of them doesn't matter so much. 

Here's another thought (I am able to have approximately 12 thoughts on any given day): let's all just carry on staying away from people, OK? You don't know where they've been and they might actually kill you. Either by murder or disease. Do you want that? You want to be killed by a stranger on the Kilburn High Road (other roads are also available)? You are weird. I do not want to be killed by a stranger on Kilburn High Road. I want to be killed in a crime of passion or by choking on a piece of chicken. That almost happened once and that would have been a ridiculous way to die. 

This got a bit dark. Probably should have turned the light on. Remember, you paid nothing for that joke either so don't complain. Don't write to Watchdog (is that still on?) because they will not help you get your money back. 

Stay indoors. 
Don't clap on Thursdays for the NHS - just stop voting for a party that hates the NHS. You sanctimonious fartbags.
Stay alert.
Go to work. Or don't, if you can't.
Don't take public transport. Or do, if you have to. 

Don't cough on people. Ever. Covid-19 or not. It's rude and disgusting.

Don't get pickpocketed on Tottenham Court Road. Or any road. If you're alert this will probably not happen. So, stay alert twice. Stay really alert. 

On Conspiracy Theories

Look, I know it's hard to believe this but the moon is real, the Queen is not a shape-shifting reptilian, the Coronavirus isn't caused by 5G, Bill Gates doesn't want to track your every movement (our phones already do that anyway, guys), and they aren't sacrificing people at Bohemian Grove as part of Satanic rituals. And even if these things were all true we still have to get up, go to work (if you have a job, obviously), pay our bills, sleep, eat, breathe... the usual mess of life. So, what the heck difference does it make?

Let's have a quick whizz round some of these.

The Moon is FAKE! 

I read a tweet that was like, "oh if someone lays an outlandish conspiracy theory on you just tell them something more outlandish" (I'm paraphrasing) Like: Oh I don't believe in the moon landings. So you counter with, "wait, you believe there's a moon!?"
Funny tweet. Except there IS a conspiracy theory that the moon is a mere holographic projection. That the moon WAS once real but now it isn't. Or that it is actually a spaceship. Or something. For real. That's a real thing that people believe. And you thought flat-earthers were crazy.
You must read this: Hollow Moon wiki

Unsurprisingly, David Icke believes that the moon is a spacecraft.

The Queen is a Lizard!

Well, her name is Liz. Proof.

This is one of the more crazy ones which mixes together so many other conspiracies that it's hard to even know where to begin. So I won't. Instead I will quickly say that I worked at Waterstone's (book shop chain) for a number of years and for most of my time there I worked in the Pop. Psychology and Mind, Body, Spirit (MBS) sections - and health and religion but we're not here to talk about those.
Pop. Psychology was a fancy way of saying "Self-Help" and MBS was just where we put Paulo Coelho books, books about witchcraft for teen girls going through a The Craft phase, tarot reading stuff, and novelty crystal balls.
Somehow David Icke fell into one of these sections and to be perfectly honest I cannot remember which one it was. Like, his books shouldn't have been in my section. Maybe in history or something. Anyway, I wasn't responsible for deciding what went where. My story is that David Icke is very popular among young men (18-25) so whenever a young bloke would wander into my section they would ask me for David Icke books. It got so common and usual that one time I just handed a David Icke book (the latest one) to the guy approaching me with a question forming. But then I realised my mistake when he looked at me shocked and confused and stuttered, "how did you know!!???" and I had to state, confidently, that I was merely very good at my job and wasn't just profiling everyone that came near my section (oh, young teen girl with thick black eyeliner wants a book about wicca? Colour me surprised).

This lizard thing is sometimes written off as racism against Jewish people. But, for David Icke at least, it really isn't racism. He really believes in lizard people. (I may have flicked through all of his books).

The coronavirus-5G link.

Guys, I don't know what to tell you except that people are scared of change. People are scared by new technology. Why wasn't this a thing with 3 or 4G?
I remember reading about microwaves being really bad for you when I was a kid and I was worried about why we had brought a microwave oven into our homes if they were so bad. Listen, I have had a microwave oven in my life since I can remember and I am fine. And anything about me that isn't fine is really nothing to do with microwaves. It's all the psychological damage.
The fact of the matter is this: we live in a capitalist system. Capitalism does not want consumers to be dead. Dead people don't buy anything. It's not a workable model for the capitalist elite. It just isn't. I can't stress that enough. What this virus proves is that we/politics/capitalism are not stronger than nature. Any tsunami or earthquake teaches us that. 

Bill Gates wants to track us.

Guys, we are tracked. 

The world is chaotic

Conspiracy theories give people the idea that there is an order to the world. A secret cabal of bankers, Jews, lizards, Satanists, whatever are the movers and shakers who control all. And yes, there is an elite and there are powerful people who decide certain fates to befall us, e.g. the fashion industry decides what's in fashion - right, but not to the extent that these theorists think they do. 

Some (mostly boring ones - never the interesting or outlandish ones) turn out to be true. They really have practiced eugenics, they really have killed people, they really do cover shit up. I am not naive. I do not "drink the Kool-Aid" - not fun fact: it wasn't Kool-Aid in Jonestown and most people didn't willingly drink it but I'll write about cults another time.
I do think that there are people in back rooms making shady deals and planning bullshit but I do not think they are adept enough are keeping these wilder conspiracies under wraps. You know? 

One of the more interesting points about people who buy into these ideas is this: often their own lives have been beset by tragedy or are spiralling out of control. This is just like any other gang. A need for community, solidarity, friendship. Maybe we should all reach out to each other? The only problem is that most people make their minds up about a thing and never back down. Perhaps with patience and understanding...? What a wild idea.

And anyway, I think that these crazy conspiracy theories are what they want you to believe. The truth is gonna be far, far worse. 

On Working From Home

Pros

No commute - saving so much time and money 

Cons 

My back hurts 

I only have one (small) screen

Remote desktops are weird and awkward 

Too many snacks are on hand

So. You working from home? Listen, I'm grateful that I have a job that I can (kind of) do from home. I'm not on furlough, I haven't been fired, I don't have to commute... I'm one of the very lucky ones but, man, my back fucking hurts. I live in a tiny flat and the designation between "fun" part of the flat and "work" part of the flat is naturally very small. And did I mention that my back hurts?

I'm still enjoying the fact that I can listen to the radio all day but that brings its own set of woes. Every hour, on the hour, I hear some terribly depressing news and that's a lot for my poor brain. I'm up the wazoo with anxiety. Jesus. 

Also, my manager rings me at least once a day! And in a way that's nice because I'm hearing a human being speak but also that just keeps me on the edge, yo. 

Man, all of this is too much, innit? 

I hope you're able to keep yourselves safe and well and not coughing or worrying about people coughing on you. I went to Tesco earlier and let me tell you now: people just need to back the fuck up. <sigh>

On Pubs

Hey, you.
YOU.
Remember pubs?
It's only been 2 weeks since the "lockdown" but I feel like my memory is fading and I feel as though my memory is tinged with rose-coloured spectacles of nostalgia.
Oh pubs. You go to a place and you drink a pint (I don't drink pints) and you play a game of darts (I don't play darts) and you pet the dog in the corner (I absolutely would pet a dog but not all pubs have a dog in the corner). Good times, man. GOOD TIMES.
I'll tell you what I really miss: hanging out with my friends. I suppose that's what my nostalgic misery is about. I miss texting someone and saying, "hey, are you free? Fancy meeting for a drink?" Instead I find myself texting, "Hey, wanna Zoom? I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and then texting invite meeting passwords and nonsense and it is just not the same.
George Orwell famously wrote about the best pub. Where a dog is in the corner and the old boys are smoking pipes and talking and there's a fire and a dartboard and the perfect pub doesn't exist (was the point of the essay, maybe).
I'll tell you what a good pub is though, The Canonbury near Highbury and Islington station. It has a brilliant garden, good food, is near to some decent nightclubs and isn't a million miles away from wherever I have lived (and therefore I can get a cab back, cheaply). Man, I miss The Canonbury. When all of this is over who wants to meet me there for a pint?

On Nostalgia

The 90s were great, weren't they?
[disclaimer: I'm a bit drunk and Boris Johnson PM has just announced further restrictions on our freedoms... I dunno, man, I'm too drunk to have an actual coherent thought about this. I should've eaten that jacket potato in the oven. I'm a fool]
 My friend Sarah and I often talk about the 90s. We discuss it in a way that knows that the 90s were fucking awesome. And they were. Except, personally, I didn't know Sarah - that sucks. I was a bit mental for the first half - that sucks. I was a bit lost - that sucks. BUT, Radiohead... they were awesome in the 90s. And Blur, Oasis, all the "alternative" music scene what I got into... good shit, guys.
Anyway, my point was nostalgia. Nostalgia is what you make it. I could focus on some dark bullshit when talking about the past OR I could be like, yeah, guys, the past was like so awesome. Remember this?
Anyway, I'm in this weird bubble where I remember some shit that my generation doesn't and remember things from the generation above me, or beneath me... and that's one of the things that makes me oh so special... 😂

On Social Distancing (on my birthday)

So, we're in lockdown. All the pubs are closed but there is still booze in the supermarkets and I'm grateful that this has happened at a time when we have the internet and I have a new laptop. My worry is that I'm going to get so used to this way of socialising that I'll just do it via Zoom or video conferencing more often.
Doubt it.
So, how are we all doing? Some morons are still going out and being morons and I'm allowing the conspiracy part of my brain to go a bit crazy and think that there is some sinister reason for all of this. But then I watch some comedy and calm down. Imagine how much of a field day the people who think the earth is flat are having? You know who I mean. I also wonder if those doomsday preppers are hanging out in their bunkers yet? What's the point of prepping if you don't use it?

Although we're living in a golden age of streaming television I would like to tell you something. There is a LOT of shit to be watched. The amount of sub-par mediocre, laugh-track sit-coms is actually appalling. Who can I complain to about this? Have you seen that new Matt Le Blanc shit? It has THREE seasons. Three! How? And then some shows get cancelled far too early and the world is crazy. <Gestures vaguely at everything> See?

Today is my birthday. I'm going to go for a walk, like a wild woman. PARTY! I'm also going to video call with a friend. And drink a bottle of wine. I swear I've spoken on the phone more in the past 3 days than in the past 3 months. It's also UK Mother's Day today (so my birthday was already stolen). Luckily, deliveries are still happening. So, I'm still in the good books.

Anyway, don't be a dick. Stay indoors and don't buy too much toilet paper.

on Cancelling 2020

I don't know if  you've heard or not but basically 2020 is the end of the world (as we know it) because there is a flu-like virus and we're all going to die. I'm sorry that I had to be blunt and break it to you like that but the world leaders aren't being as blunt as me. So, you know, someone needs to be honest. I volunteer as tribute. You know why? I live alone and after 2 days I am bored as fuck. I've spoken on the telephone three times and had 2 video calls. I also left the flat twice but only to go out as far as Tesco Metro and McDonalds, i.e. not far at all. Shit is mental, y'all.

      When I was 11 years old I didn't go to school for about 9 months and I went a teeny bit crazy. Look, it was 1993/4 and it was a weird time for everyone, wasn't it? I don't really know why I didn't go to school or why I stayed indoors but I feel like this period of my life goes a very long way in explaining why I am peculiar in the vein that I am. Like, I'm not WEIRD weird but I'm a bit off-kilter. Anyway, all this is to say that I think that all of us "off-kilter" weirdos will be fine in the coming months. We will cope well with the weirdness and be grateful that it's the future. It's 2020, we have the internet, WiFi, mobile phones!!! and Facebook... et cetera. Let's be glad we have all that. We could be so much more worse off. And my point is: I survived that isolation and you will survive this isolation too. 

     The world will be different, is different already, in a few months time. People will show their true colours and some peoples' true colours will be horrible colours indeed but there will be good people. Bright people. People whose colours are beautiful. Always look for the helpers. And they will be there. Amidst the wankers fighting over the toilet paper and profiteering over tinned soup when someone is starving there will be people offering a hand and giving what they have. Be one of those. As much as you can. 

     Be nice.

On Audiences (From Old Blog with updates)

Foodstuffs and Wrapping

One of the greatest mysteries of the modern world (and there are many, I know) is why they sell anything in plastic wrapping at cinemas. M&Ms, Cadbury's Eclairs, plastic bags of popcorn (seriously. BAGS of popcorn. I pointed it out to my friend one time, over a year ago and I am still thinking about this. WHY? It's not like it's cheaper)... the list is endless. OK, so, it's not actually endless, I just can't think of any more off the top of my stupid head. But the mystery remains. I know that you can buy quieter snacks.
I know that, you know that and yet people do not. Why not? Because people are bastards. Loud, noisy, inconsiderate bastards.

Eat a hot dog.

Talking of hot dogs, why are they cinema food? And why aren't they theatre food? (I appreciate that this might be confusing for Americans where the cinema is a movie theater) Why not hamburgers? Or french fries?

Why isn't popcorn theatre food? Why is popcorn cinema food?

Why is food an option here at all?

If you can't go for 2 hours without eating popcorn, M&Ms and pick 'n' mix (and don't misunderstand me, I fucking love pick 'n' mix) then maybe you shouldn't be going to the cinema to watch movies.

Maybe you should get a subscription to Netflix, Sky Movies and a massive TV and stay at home. Not that I am trying to kill the cinema industry here it's just that other people are the worst.

Audiences are the worst and they have bad taste. Sorry for pointing this out. Again.

Speaking of audiences, did you know (and if you've ever spoken to me about TV comedy I will have told you this) that 'Mrs. Brown's Boys' was the most popular show over Christmas 2015 (and it's still really annoying me)? [update for 2020: this still really annoys me] Did you know that? I did. I wish I didn't but there it is. And I am not being all elitist here it's just that it is such a terrible show. Like, really, terrible and awful. And if you don't agree could you please just try watching something else? Anything else. I hear Peppa Pig is pretty good. (What I am suggesting there is that you are childish and therefore only a children's programme would be adequate for your intellect. BURN.) I hate to be mean and I really don't wish to offend. I'm nice and I think people should be allowed to like what they like. But COME ON.

You want good Irish comedy? Then watch repeats of 'Father Ted' [we (the internet) are apparently "cancelling" Graham Linehan but Father Ted is still so good so fuck it and watch it]
[or Derry Girls, or anything with Tommy Tiernan really].
You heathens.

And don't get me started on 'Gogglebox'. Seriously. Don't. Friendships have been irreparably ruined because of my stance on this fucking cheap programme. You know who you are.

I wonder what the American equivalent to 'Gogglebox' is?

Audience Etiquette

• Shut the fuck up
• Please turn all mobile devices off or on silent (no 'vibration mode' is not silent)
• Quiet in the back, please
• Don't google what that actor was in NOW. Wait until you have left the auditorium.
• Don't clap at the end of the movie. This is not the theatre. The actors aren't here. I know, it seems like they are. It's really rather magical, isn't it? But don't applaud. No one cares. 
• Shhhh. Think of this as a library where you can laugh aloud at the appropriate moments. 
• If you are at the theatre could you please refrain from attending if you currently have tuberculosis (the only reason I can find for the coughing fit I had to listen to the last time I went to the theatre. And it was a really quiet, tense moment.)? 
• Shut. Up. 

On Looking for a Job (Updated for 2020. Original lost in a fire or something)

Surprisingly, I am gainfully employed and have been for a number of years (that number is  6 9 concurrently but rises to approximately 15 18 in total. Wow, that's depressing) and I haven't bothered to look for a new job in the last 5 years because I am lazy and tend to stick with the status quo. And then I don't.
Every few years or so I shake my life like a snow-globe of frustration and this year the "career" category won. So here we are, applying for jobs and writing applications and updating my CV and what a fine CV it is. Not really. Although I did convert mine to .pdf to show how savvy my computer skills are. I also have words and phrases like "professional administrator" (as though one could be an amateur administrator) and "empathetic listening skills" like I am a mature human being with skills and shit. I mean, really? You've met me. Or maybe you haven't. Trust me. I might sound like I'm being all humble and hilarious. This is genuinely just the way I think things are. Anyway, I've decided to write about this episode of my life as I have a job interview this week so...

Can somebody please explain the point of having to complete an application form only to be asked to also upload a CV that contains the exact same information as previously provided on said application form? OK, so I changed up the words etc. but the information is fundamentally still the same. It still has my work experience on it and other words like 'professional' and 'capable' and 'uses own initiative' and 'team-player'.  other words. I don't have 'team player' on my CV... I used fancier words. I ain't stupid.

How does one gain experience if one does not have the experience?
This has confused people of all ages and has been discussed extensively and I have nothing new to say on the matter but, seriously??? Come. ON. (this was the reason I didn't get the last job I interviewed for.)

Feedback is super important and you should always ask for it if you were not successful but, that last interview's feedback was:
You were great at interview, you're very personable and we liked you a lot. You were the most exceptional at presenting yourself and you are very friendly and charming. But your Excel skills are not the best and you have no data analysis experience. -note: I really liked the person giving the feedback and she was very optimistic about my chances at an upcoming job so I am not complaining here and I agree with her but my point is still valid.
How am I supposed to get this data analysis experience exactly? HUH?
I don't want to analyse data but still.

One of the first hurdles I encountered in my (neverending?) job search was that I don't really know what job I want to do. My current role doesn't really exist in the same way in other places and I want a pay-rise so I can't just do what I do now somewhere else and get paid more... so my advice is to figure out what to apply for.

Update: I did not get the job. So maybe don't listen to me at all.

On The Future

The future is an unknown. "It's bright. It's Orange" (as the old mobile phone company ad used to be), it's exciting, it's scary, it's hopeful... it's too much and not enough.
Without 'Tomorrow's World' [Tomorrow's World - the home of the future]here to guide us and only 'Black Mirror' showing us the way, technology is increasingly a crazy, scary world. Just look at Twitter or Tinder or Cambridge Analytica.
As usual, I digress (and use too many parentheses) as I am writing to let you know about some plans I have coming up.
Plan 1: win the lottery - this is an ongoing scheme but one which may never be fulfilled as I don't play the lottery.
Plan 2: as usual I am looking for a new job. All past job searches have been scuppered because

• I am really bad at Excel
• I am "too honest" in interviews
• I don't have the right experience (this one has always really killed me. It's such a lame catch-22 that I won't even go into it here and now. Future post?)
• I don't actually want to have to work for a living

Plan 3: James and I are going to start a podcast. The USP of which is essentially this blog and so I have resurrected it and we'll be rich and famous (or just a tiny bit internet famous but not for getting "cancelled" or tweeting horrendous things) and then that'll show 'em (who?). 

Plan 4: I have ordered loads of fabric samples coz I want to do a thing. Maybe I'll show you said thing when I have made it. I get fancy notions and then nothing comes of them as I have the attention span of a goldfish which has ADD and no Adderall. 

So, the most important plan here is that James and I will be going on and on about some things so please listen out for that. 

END